I don't know

It's been 6 weeks since my 2nd Ironman "setback" and my attempts to "get over it" and "nut up" have been less than successful.

Jenny and I spent 10 awesome days in Kona Hawaii and I'm not going to lie..it was a total blast. I haven't laughed or smiled or generally felt like that in a long time. Except for walking around the Ironman expo and looking at the gear and watching the World Championships (which were awesome), my whole time was spent not thinking about Ironman. It was nice. Being away from everything was great. It gave me some time to relax and be the old me. I didn't have to answer one question about what happened at IMWI. The only thoughts of the future was where we were going to hang out for the day and if we were going swimming or snorkeling.



Coming back to reality has got me to thinking about it again.

I have decided that until I finish an Ironman, I'm not going to be a poser and wear a bunch of M dot stuff. Truth is I didn't finish either time and I haven't earned the right to even be thought of as a finisher. I have boxed up all my shirts, shoes, jackets, visors and everything else for now and put them in the basement. It just doesn't seem right to be wearing the gear. It never used to bother me but it does now. I don't know why but it just does. If I fail again, all the stuff will get tossed and I will give up this goal, as hard as that might be to think about right now.

Since I have gotten back, I have been asked several times by several different people if I am going to sign up for next year and honestly, I don't know. I'm leaning towards signing up because I hate how I am right now. I hate how I feel sometimes.

There are so many reasons not to and only one reason to. I want it and there is only one way to get it. Waiting 2 years does not play out well in my mind. I find myself dwelling on it for hours a day now. I still feel incomplete right now. There is no reasons to do any triathlons for me unless they are training for or leading up to Ironman. The only fun part about doing them is training and hanging out with my wife and the anticipation of the event. One of the reasons not to do Ironman is that I am scared to death of not finishing again and going 3 straight DNF's. This has been hard.

I still get a crappy feeling hearing people talk about their IM experiences and seeing reminders of that day. I'm glad I got rid of all my mementos and all the pictures of me from that day. It helps not to see it or have to think about it. It sucks that I'm not a better person than that and that I can't enjoy every one's accomplishments. I try to not let it bother me, but it still does. Maybe it will get better later but right now I don't see that happening.

I know most people can't understand how I can let this bother me this much and wonder why I am being such a baby about it and honestly I don't know what to tell them. It does bother me and my attempts to act like it doesn't are failures. I was told that when you have big expectations and then they don't pan out, you get a big backlash of emotions from it and I think that pretty much summed it up perfect.

Every time I see any other local triathlete I just cringe because I know they are either going to ask me what happened at IMWI or will at some point ask me if I am signing up again. I try to look away from them or avoid them in hopes they won't talk to me. Maybe I need a Non-Finisher IM jacket. When you see people over the winter or during spring, one of the questions that always gets asked is if you are signed up for Ironman. It's the ultimate goal for me because I know that I will never see Kona as an athlete. It is the only goal for me. In fact I don't know a single triathlete that isn't an Ironman that hasn't tried to be except me. It makes me feel like a pretty terrible athlete and maybe I just am and should just try to accept that. Maybe Ironman is beyond me and this is as good or as far as I will get. I don't want to believe that but hey the truth hurts.

Part of me feels like I should keep trying over and over until I am successful because right now I don't see myself as equal to the other triathletes I hang out with. I am just the person who tried as hard as they could but didn't make it. Twice.



Am I going to try Ironman Wisconsin next year?

I don't know.